Waiting for a miracle

Yesterday was an important day, it was the day that I met with my oncologist Dr. M at the Grand River Cancer Centre to go over my recent scans to determine what effect the chemotherapy sessions have had on my cancer, and also to discuss next steps. The recent scans were compared with the ones that were taken just after my diagnosis back in October and November of 2016 and analysed.

The good news is that the chemotherapy seemed to reduce my cancer somewhat and it appears that things are relatively stable right now. The bad news is that I did not receive the miracle I was hoping for, the one that Anita Moorjani (in her book "Dying to be Me") received when her cancer suddenly and unexpectedly went into remission, the one that Teresa Rhyne received (in her book "The Dog Lived and So Will I") when she beat her cancer, and the one that David Servan-Schreiber received (his book is "Anticancer"), a doctor and terminal cancer patient who beat the odds and has now been cancer free for almost 20 years. I think about all those lucky people who beat cancer and were featured in Kelly Turner’s book “Radical Remission”, and also those that did not, in the countless books and memoirs I have read over the past few months. I just re-read Gilda Radner’s memoir “It’s Always Something” and it made me sad.

In the meeting yesterday with my oncologist, we discussed the treatment options that are currently available, and those that might come into play once the current hormone treatments fail. We talked about a new drug that she may try, and also discussed what might happen over the next few months and years and what that may look like. Nothing I heard yesterday was a complete surprise, but I guess I was just hoping for that miracle.

The summer was good. We’re now into September and back to school and the regular routine. The kids are extremely excited to be back at school with their friends, and both are happy with their new teachers which is great. I’m still not feeling 100% although my last chemotherapy session was more than a month ago. Unfortunately my back pain has returned in what appears to be a re-occurrence of the spinal compression fracture issue that I had months ago. I’m back on the pain killers for now but hoping that this isn’t something that will persist as it did last time over many months. My hair is slowly growing back, and I’m especially looking forward to getting my nose hairs back so that I can stop this constant sniffling.

Up until last week, I was reading a most fascinating book called “The Emperor of all Maladies” by cancer physician and professor of medicine Siddhartha Mukherjee. It is essentially a “biography of cancer” (which is actually the book’s subtitle), a look at how cancer has been viewed, treated, and misunderstood over the years. At the same time, I also started reading “Being Mortal” by surgeon and author Atul Gawande whereby he confronts the realities of aging and dying in his patients and the limits of what he can do. Eleven months and dozens of cancer books and memoirs later, these seemed to be the perfect books for me to read at this time.

These books have changed the way I view cancer. They have also changed the way I view physicians and the way they interact with patients. In so many of the biographies and cancer memoirs I’ve read, the authors (patients) would list a myriad of complaints against physicians and hospital staff, beginning with objections to how the news that they have cancer was broken to them. I’m not saying that these complaints were not warranted, as I’m sure that many of them were, but I now look back at some of my own small complaints and feel that I think differently about them now.

How do you tell somebody that they have cancer? Is it possible to be completely compassionate and caring with each and every patient, every day, every year? As every individual is different, every doctor, cancer physician, and surgeon, is also different. This is what makes us human beings - unique individuals. Each has their own personality and special way of expressing themselves and dealing with issues. I don’t envy anyone that is assigned the task of breaking such news to a patient, and then communicating with them throughout their illness in such a way that they feel comfortable. Imagine how hard of a job a cancer physician or surgeon must have, each and every day full of life-changing decisions and high-stress situations. In addition to all of this, we expect them to play the role of psychologist and friend as well, which is a lot to ask. They are human, and I’m sure most do their best, but over the past few months my respect for them has continually increased. I feel lucky to have a great team of doctors/oncologists helping me through this, both at the Grand River Cancer Centre in Waterloo and here at Guelph General Hospital. I’m amazed at their professionalism and compassion.

As for the reading, I’ve had to put these most recent cancer books down for the moment as I feel I just need to take a break from it all. I think I might just take a break from a lot of things. Yesterday was a sobering reminder of my current reality. I feel sad and not particularly optimistic. I think about my kids all the time and the unfairness of the situation. I just may be all out of miracles. I’ve always tried to end my blog entries on a positive note, but today I’m not sure I can, and that’s just reality and the truth, so I think I’ll just leave it at that for now. Time to wipe my face dry, pick myself up off the floor again and get motivated.

Things will get better . . .

The end of chemotherapy

I've just completed my final of six chemotherapy treatments at Guelph General Hospital. Twelve months ago, in August of 2016, I developed severe chronic back pain which went on for several weeks. Ten months ago, I developed a sore left eye and days later, found myself waking up after surgery at Hamilton General Hospital to remove some "tissue". I left the hospital with a paper that showed "Brain Tumour" as the diagnosis - "what?!?!" - nobody mentioned that to me in the hospital, only the seemingly harmless words "tissue" and "likely benign" - not the words "Brain Tumour" nor "Cancer".

I've since gone through radiation treatments, hormonal therapy, and now finally the six chemotherapy sessions to treat what ended up being prostate cancer that travelled uninvited and unceremoniously up into my head while leaving and depositing more cancer inside my back and spine on the way.

Here is a photograph of the dozens of empty bottles totalling many hundreds of pills that have gone into my body in the ten months since October 2016, not to mention the bags of Docetaxel, the chemotherapy medication used to treat my cancer. As well, shown here are stacks of cancer-related books that I have read since this journey began. Oh yes, and on a positive note, that's my beautiful new guitar off to the right a Composite Acoustics "Acoustic Cargo" beauty! Music jam anyone?!

After chemotherapy number six, I'm just here resting at home and getting once again used to some of the uncomfortable side effects. The good news is that I've gone through this five previous times, so I'm a pro at this now.

It's been an interesting summer. Being on chemotherapy definitely slows you down. The hormonal medication that I continue to take, combined with the chemo really sucks the energy out of you so I continue to force myself to be active, walk every day, and just remain positive and hopeful. Spending time with my family is the best medicine for me right now. Kathryn has started her work leave of absence and is doing some great little projects at home, currently painting and re-arranging the kids' rooms. She is awesome!

In the first two weeks of July, we had an amazing annual summer family vacation. It's become our family tradition to spend Canada Day and the subsequent 2 weeks in a different part of our amazing county each year. In recent years, we've visited Toronto, Niagara Falls, Prince Edward Island, Alberta, British Columbia, and this year it was beautiful Nova Scotia.

This year was the annual vacation that almost never was . . .

I was very sick the day we were to fly to Halifax. The team at the Cancer Centre at Guelph General Hospital took me in the morning of our flight very quickly knowing time was of the essence. Our airport taxi was to arrive to pick us up at 2:30 pm so the team quickly got to work. They took my blood work and vitals, started pumping me full of fluids/antibiotics simultaneously to make it go quicker, and did everything in their power to get me out of there in time to get on that flight. They were very concerned. Dr. B, my incredible oncologist, was very worried and I know that she had hoped that I would go to my "Plan B", which was to let my family leave on that day and join them a few days later once I was feeling better. I was stubborn and determined to go and take my chances. My white blood cell count was low, I was very sick. In the end, Dr. B and her amazing and caring team saved our vacation - and I can't thank them enough. She even called me on my personal cell phone after I arrived in Halifax to see how I was doing. Truly remarkable woman, I love her! Again I ask, how lucky am I?

The first few days in Halifax were rough until I started feeling a bit better, but once we got to Peggy's Cove things were fine. We had an amazing time travelling through the amazing province of Nova Scotia, on to Lunenburg, Tatamagouche, and then gorgeous Cape Breton Island where we managed to hike a couple of breathtaking walking trails - spectacular! Here is a photograph of our family at the end of the Skyline Trail in the Cape Breton Highlands, one of their most popular and challenging hiking trails.

The month of July was rough. We lost our aunt and her son in separate tragic events in Croatia only 2 weeks apart. I considered my aunt like a second mother, and my cousin Miljenko like a true brother - one of the kindest and most amazing persons I have ever met in my life. I will never forget our visits to Croatia as kids and the joy we experienced with this family. Miljenko died at the age of 57 leaving behind his wife and five children. I can't stop thinking about those kids. I will never forget my aunt and cousin, they were incredible human beings. My own mother has had her own cancer scare, and last week had major surgery and is currently resting in hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are saying it was a success with excellent prognosis. My mom is an extremely tough 88-year old, she is a rock, one of the strongest women I know! We are all thinking of her and wishing her a speedy recovery. Life is so unpredictable.

So, what's next? Over the next few weeks I hope to recover from the core side effects of the chemo, and am expecting to feel better as the summer winds down. We are very much looking forward to our annual stay at the cottage for the last two weeks of August, and then back to school for the kids.

In terms of analysis and treatment, I have some appointments coming up for new CT and Bone scans, and the doctors will then compare them to the originals that were taken last fall. Once everything is analysed, my oncologist will determine the next steps. As mentioned before, the hormonal treatments only usually work for a limited time (like 2 or 3 years), and at that point a "Plan B" is put in place, whatever that may be.

It's the first week of August. Today is a great day. I feel happy and loved. I'm glad to be alive. I love my family, I cherish my friends. Life is great! I hope all of my great friends and family out there are enjoying this summer, and once I am feeling a bit better, look forward to seeing more of you real soon!!!

The cancer book club

I just finished reading the book “The End of Life Book Club” by Will Schwalbe. In it, he describes his mother's cancer journey. Both he and his mother are avid readers so because they are spending so much time together through appointments and chemotherapy sessions, they begin to recommend books to each other and start to refer to it as their own little book club. I found some great recommendations throughout this book.

I've mentioned before of some of the positive aspects that come out of a cancer diagnosis and related “not-so-great” prognosis. Number one is appreciating and enjoying each and every moment of every day. I've embraced the concept of mindfulness which is all about living in this very moment, right here, right now. I wish I had discovered this sooner in life!

I've learned the importance of reducing stress and taking the time to think about all the beautiful things in life. I wake up every day thankful to be alive and appreciative of the fact that I've had such a great life and been blessed with a great family. I'm one lucky man.

Early on after I was diagnosed late last year I started to get back into music and playing my guitar. We've set up a new, separate jam/rehearsal room in the basement primarily for the kids and now have all the instruments in one place. The kids now do their band rehearsal there with their very first public performance this Saturday through their Jam School. Unfortunately for myself, I have not been playing as much as I'd like to but recently have slowly begun to get back into it. Just got another new guitar (yes I needed “another” new guitar - and for my musician friends, it's a beautiful "Acoustic Cargo" composite). I'm still planning to arrange that music night after I've completed my chemo since my state lately has been generally unpredictable.

One of the great things that I've been doing lately since my diagnosis has been getting back into reading. Serious reading. When I was young I became an avid reader and I remember even bringing books to school and reading at recess and lunch hour in between ball hockey games. I went through a period in my late 20s and early 30s (when I was single and had more time on my hands) in which I became obsessed with classic books and read every day. For many years, each morning and evening you would see my face buried in a book on the GO train to work from Richmond Hill to Toronto. In recent years I have not been reading very much unless you count technical books and magazines (which actually doesn't count).

It's been such a great thing for me to really get back into reading books particularly this year. I'm also happy that Shayne and Anika have embraced reading as well. Kathryn is also an avid reader. Her mother read to her every night when she was young, and she now does the same with her own children. No matter how busy Kathryn is, regardless of how early she woke up that morning, how little sleep she's had, how busy and stressed she is at work, she always finds the time to read to the kids before they go to bed. It's like their own little private ritual. Shayne is now reading books on his own and working his way through book series’ that he finds interesting. Anika is also getting better at reading but at this time still prefers Mom (and sometimes Dad) to read to her before bed.

These days, I seem to be switching in between non-fiction books on serious topics like cancer, healing, medical-health-related, general inspirational, and fiction. I'm really finding it inspiring to read about the stories of ordinary people who have gone through a life changing journey and took the time to write about it and share their stories. Its really nice to read about the things they've gone through and suggestions they have as I can usually relate very much to their personal experiences.

I've now read more than 15 books in the last 2 months and many have really inspired me and helped me with acceptance and putting things into perspective. I know that I have a great many friends out there who have either gone through cancer or other serious illness, or have been through it with a family member or close friend as caregiver. I also have a lot of amazing writer friends out there, so for all of you, here are some of my book recommendations in case you are interested:

Cancer / medical-health-related / inspirational:

“When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi - perhaps the one that I can relate to the most, this is an incredibly well-written book by a very young neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with terminal cancer in his 30s. Thanks to my sister Sue for this exceptional recommendation! (she insisted last weekend I drop my other books immediately and read this one - I complied as any good brother would and read it in a single day!).

"Anticancer" by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber - similar story to "When Breath Becomes Air" - about a young doctor that is diagnosed with terminal cancer in his 30s and his own story. He actually beats it and talks a lot about what he did to supplement the conventional medical treatments. He is now 15+ years cancer-free. Great book and really well-written!

"Radical Remission" by Kelly Turner - she studies those whose cancer has gone into remission and summarizes what they have done - nine chapters, one chapter for each item (ie: first one is "Radically Changing your Diet") - gives you hope. I loved this book!

"Malignant Metaphor" by Alanna Mitchell - author's brother-in-law is diagnosed with cancer and she helps him do research and writes this book about what she learns. 

"Zen Cancer Wisdom" by Daju Suzanne Friedman - great, positive advice for those living with cancer and/or their caregivers.

"You Can Conquer Cancer" by Ian Gawler - older book but still relevant - also about a doctor who went through cancer and recovered, emphasizes the power of the mind, family, and social support.

"You Can Fight for your Life" by Lawrence LeShan - author is a doctor that spent 20+ years doing research about how the mind and emotions has an effect on cancer - this got me into "Mindfulness" - read a couple of books about it and now do it every day - it's helped me a lot.

"The Rough Guide to Mindfulness" by Albert Tobler and Susann Herrmann - good introduction to the concept of mindfulness and living in the moment - has had a really positive effect on me and motivated me to get back into Yoga and light exercise as well (although I admit I NEED to do these things more consistently!).

"The End of your Life Book Club" by Will Schwalbe - about a book publisher whose mother is diagnosed with cancer - he ends up spending lots of time with her, talking and recommending various books - found some great book recommendations to add to my book list while reading this one.

"Learning to Say Good-bye - When a parent dies" by Eda LeShan - writes about the questions that children have when a parent dies. Unbelievably, the author's mother died when she was only 5 years old and she was never properly told about what happened, only that mother had "gone away". This had an extremely negative effect on her life. She only found out the truth when she was much older. She wrote the book to help people properly tell children the truth in a practical and compassionate way. Need to consider this as our Plan "B". (I once interviewed a female indie musician for a short documentary film I was working on and asked her what her Plan "B" was should she not make it in music. She looked me in the eye and confidently said "There is no Plan B - I WILL make it in music". She is currently in her mid 40s and still trying. Not having a Plan "B" - bad idea . . .)

"The Reason you Walk" by Wab Kinew - story about a traditional indigenous chief who is diagnosed with cancer, written by his son who reconnects with him throughout his illness and eventual passing.

"On Living" by Kerry Egan - writes stories about her patients in hospice and the different ways that people face death.

“Ghost Rider” by Neil Peart - this is more in the category of “inspirational”, I read this book back in the late 90s when it first came out and recently re-read it once again. Neil Peart is the drummer and lyricist for the band “Rush” (a band I’ve always loved starting back in high school). He tragically lost both his only daughter and wife in the span of a year and was left alone and broken, and decided to embark on a courageous healing journey on his motorcycle all across North America. A well-written and very inspiring book. 

“The Perfect Vehicle - What is it about Motorcycles” - after watching the film “The Bucket List”, about two terminally ill men who decide to skip treatment and travel the world to check off their bucket list items (meaning I suppose, things to do before they “kick the bucket”), I began to think about what I would do if I did not have my family - perhaps something like travel the world (as the guys in “The Bucket List” film  did), or take off through Canada and United States on a motorcycle (as Neil Peart did as described in his book “Ghost Rider”). I’ve always had this fascination with motorcycles. Perhaps I’ll write my own fictional book about a journey of healing on a motorcycle to satisfy my fantasy.

Fiction:

“The Death of Ivan Ilyich” by Leo Tolstoy - mentioned in the book "Anticancer" by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber, an interesting examination of facing your mortality, death, and the possibilities of redemption.

“Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” by Robert M. Pirsig - an examination of how we live - growth, discovery, and acceptance, a modern day classic, and another great motorcycle trip story.

“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelo - great recommendation from Kathryn from her vast book library (which I once again need to revisit), a compelling story with many great life lessons weaved into it.

Up next on my book list:

“The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch, “Picture your life after Cancer” by the New York Times, “Dying to be Me” by Anita Moorjani, “A Year to Live” by Stephen Levine, “The Etiquette of Illness” by Susan Halpern

Fiction: “Crossing to Safety” by Wallace Stegner and “The Kite Runner” by Khaled Hosseini

If anyone out there is interested in an informal, virtual “Book Club” please let me know. Send me your book recommendations and I’ll put them on my book “Bucket List” and if I read any new good ones I'll send them your way.

Today I had my 4th chemotherapy treatment (of 6 in total) and so far all is well. I’m a bit nervous after the last one, in which I was quite sick for about a week thereafter, but it looks like we've determined that the real culprit was likely a virus so I’m hoping that this time will be better. 

The entire family is looking forward to our upcoming vacation in Nova Scotia in July. It's going to be awesome!

Once again, and I can’t say it enough, thanks to everyone for all of your kind words, dinners (on occasion brought directly to my home!), lunch invitations, visits, and overall friendship and concern. Even though she is also going through a lot these days herself, my dear sister Sue is always inquiring on how I'm doing without fail. She is amazing - it means a lot to me.

The love of reading

Chemo sucks

I haven't had the strength nor desire to write over the past couple of weeks simply because it's been a bit of a rough ride. After my 3rd chemo session on June 1st I had probably one of the worst weeks since this all began. I was feeling sick, not able to eat, and on Monday June 5 (Shayne's 9th birthday) I ended up in the hospital to be pumped full of liquids for hours on end.

Yes, chemo sucks - sorry for the crude description, but it's really the only thing I can think of at this time!

Most people know that euphoric feeling that you have after you've been through a terrible illness or flu for days on end, and then it's finally over and you feel better and you can eat normally once again. That's how I feel today. I can actually eat. My legs don't feel like I have 25 lb weights attached to them.

A couple of days ago my good friends Marian and Rob came over and cooked dinner for me and we spent a few awesome hours getting caught up and talking. It was great!! Once again, I'm overwhelmed by the people in my life, what can I say? I sometimes wonder what I've done to deserve it to be honest.

Overall, I'm very happy. I'm halfway through my chemo sessions (3 of 6), and looking forward to our summer vacation in Nova Scotia in July. I just have to make sure that I'm not going to be sick while we're out there. It's hard to predict, the reaction I've had after each chemo session so far has been different. In fact, the terrible week I had after the 3rd could also be contributed to a virus that just happened to hit me 100 times harder than someone not on chemo.

Today, I'm feeling great! Life is good once again. It's great that the weather is finally improved and we have lots of warmth and sunshine. The other day I did a 14 km bike ride and it was fantastic.

Looking forward to an amazing summer. Thanks so much to everyone I love hearing from you and I just want you all to know that all is well. I'm inspired every day, especially by my family.

Anika and Shayne, my inspiration - performing at their school talent show in June 2017

Chemotherapy begins

If there is anything positive that comes out of a cancer diagnosis or terminal illness, it’s the fact that you truly enjoy and appreciate every moment of every hour of every day.

For myself, there are many days where it’s initially difficult to get going and motivated again with the weight and fatigue that comes not only with the hormone-based treatment that I'm currently on, but now the chemotherapy treatments and related side effects and psychological effects and tricks it plays on you.

Once I get going, though, I’ve been able to keep busy, keep moving, and usually feel pretty good by the end of each day. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual transition and I need to work for it.

I've been working, walking or cycling every day, eating well, and doing regular meditation and prayer. I'm learning how to embrace the concept of mindfulness (living in the moment) and believe that all of these things combined are helping me, making me feel good and have strength, and contributing to keep my spirits way up high!

I've been truly uplifted by about a dozen books that I've read (or re-read) in the last four weeks, mostly inspiring ones written by cancer survivors and/or researchers. I've returned to some of my most memorable classics authors like Leo Tolstoy and Fyodor Dostoevsky, and also re-read a couple of my old inspirational favourites such as “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom and “Always Looking Up” by Michael J. Fox.

Inspired, I've decided to write my own book about my life and cancer struggle specifically written for my children, with the intention that they would read it as adults and hopefully gain an understanding of who their father was and how much I love them. Each chapter begins with “Dear Shayne and Anika”. I’ve really enjoyed writing it so far and plan to get it self-published in both physical print and eReader format. It's a great little project for me to work on at this time and has really helped me appreciate my life, shine a light on just how lucky I've been, and helped me to maintain a positive attitude throughout this challenge.

A special thanks to Val Tobin, a friend and accomplished writer, who is helping me navigate and understand the world of self-publishing and best practices!!

This past Thursday, May 11, 2017, I completed my second round of chemotherapy at Guelph General Hospital. There will be 6 sessions altogether each 3 weeks apart, and if all goes well, I should be done the chemo in August and at that point expect to continue with the monthly hormone-based treatment for as long as that continues to work and keep my cancer under control (as it has successfully done so far). My PSA (a measure of the level of prostate cancer via blood test) is still at a respectable 3.0 and generally within the normal range.

So far, most of the side effects of my chemo treatments have to do with fatigue and loss of appetite, but I'm trying my best to counter that with exercise (walking and cycling) and healthy eating. I'm gradually losing more hair but didn't really have much to begin with, so that's the least of my worries at this time!

I've lost about 25 pounds since last summer, and even more surprisingly, 3 inches of height! The height reduction has to do with the deterioration of my bones and spine as a result of the cancer, drugs, and spinal compression fracture which essentially started last summer. I hope to gain some weight back eventually but have no idea if I'll ever regain my height unless I can discover some sort of miraculous new stretching machine. If anyone out there is aware of anything like this please let me know!

Overall, I feel really good and am enjoying a lot of quality time with Kathryn and the kids. I have no idea what I would do if I didn't have them in my life.

Kathryn and I had a great week at the HotDocs documentary film festival in Toronto a couple of weeks ago, an annual thing for us, and saw several amazing and inspiring documentary films. It was great fun going from film to film and visiting our favourite restaurants and coffee shops in Toronto and having lots of great conversation in between.

My family and friends inspire me and keep me going and motivated each and every day.

Life is good - spring is here - enjoy every day my friends!

Where would I be without these guys ?

From anger to hope

Last week my friend Laura wrote to me with her usual kind words of encouragement and said “I'm not sure I wouldn't be just plain angry if I were in your shoes”. It was quite the coincidence because I feel like I have now finally reached the “angry” stage in a big way, perhaps some sort of delayed reaction which I can’t explain. Now, by some miracle, anger has amazingly turned into hope.

I must say that I'm finding the whole cancer thing to be quite . . . interesting. Does that sound like an odd thing to say? I’ve been totally immersed in reading positive stories about stage 4 cancer survivors and alternative cancer therapies that have helped many people. Of course, you need to be careful because of all the false information out there, particularly on the internet, but I’ve recently been inspired by a good many authors, doctors, and cancer survivors which I feel are credible. The amount of information available to us today can sometimes be overwhelming and conflicting, and it’s a real challenge to filter out the good and the bad and know what's right and what makes sense for you.

I'm doing my best to stay positive and try to counter the effects off my current meds by walking and/or cycling every day, drinking lots of water, and changing my diet and eating healthier - thanks in large part to my in-house dietary consultant, Kathryn. I’ve been tracking all my daily ToDo list items with a handy “Habits” app on my smart phone. Things had been going very well and I’ve been feeling good, but then . . .

Last week I got a bit of a surprise. My urologist who has been treating my cancer over the past few months with a hormone-based treatment recommended I see an oncologist at the Grand River Cancer Centre. Kat and I had initially understood that the reason for this visit was just to have an oncologist lined up and connected with when the time comes. We already knew that the current treatment only works for a limited time (ie: 1 to 3 years) and once it stops working, Plan B (likely chemo) would be put in place.

I was shocked to hear the oncologist recommend that I start chemotherapy right away. She based it on a study that was recently conducted in which doing “up front” chemo at this early stage of hormone-based treatment showed that patients lived on average of about 14 months longer.

I didn't really have a lot of time to think or research it, and the oncologist was very adamant that we get things started and told me I could change my mind if I chose to. When I left the Grand River Cancer Centre, I found a parking ticket on my dash for parking in the wrong spot. I got into the car and screamed so loud and for so long that any potential witnesses would surely think I was a crazy person. It was hard on my throat - painful! I don’t think I’ve ever screamed and yelled like that before, and it had very little to do with the parking ticket (or perhaps that just put me over the edge). I had officially arrived at the “angry” stage. You see Laura, I’m just like you, perhaps just a bit slow . . .

Kat and I have been doing research and speaking with people and decided to go ahead with the chemo. I was told it was a type of chemo that did not have as bad side effects as some of the others, and would be administered in addition to my current hormone-based cancer treatment (as with the research study group). I'm scheduled to begin my chemotherapy next Thursday, April 20.

Over the past month or so, there have been so many amazing authors and cancer survivors who have given me something extremely valuable at this time: hope. Sad to day, and this is not necessarily a criticism, but after meetings with doctors and oncologists, I am all too often left with very little hope (ie: what I have is not curable). I’m reading about things that can be done safely (ie: eating healthier) in parallel to the traditional drug-based treatments, and feel that some of these make sense and are at least worth looking into and giving a chance.

The most important thing right now is that “I believe”. I believe that I can get better and win this fight. I HAVE TO get better for the sake of my family. My kids are too young, and I’m not ready to just give in and accept a death sentence as was delivered to me in early December of last year. For many months I have been thinking about life purpose and what I should be doing and it has suddenly become quite apparent to me that I need to spend every waking hour taking care of myself, being healthy, learning, doing research, speaking with people, and working and dedicating myself to anything and everything that I believe might help me to get better. This, combined with spending lots of time with my family, is what I need to do.

OK - I realize that there is a chance that I am wrong and the opinion of the doctors and overall statistics are right, and I will not win this fight. In his book “Anticancer”, Dr. David Servan-Shreiber (M.D., Ph.D) talks about his own battle with cancer and how he applied non-traditional and complementary approaches to its approaches and treatment. He is now in his 15th year cancer free, and although he believes in and writes about the many alternative approaches that he feels helped him conquer his terminal cancer, he also admittedly writes:

“I’ve lost some friends since this book was first published. Some of them were people who applied its principles in their own lives. Unfortunately, the methods and principles outlined here do not guarantee success against cancer”.

I was playing hockey with my daughter Anika here at the cottage yesterday and we were working on passes to the front of the net (one-timers), and shooting as if you “know” that you will hit that puck and put it in the net - in other words, swing at the pass with the confidence that you WILL succeed. This attitude helped me score a few goals in my time (as a few of my hockey buddies might attest to), and I believe this concept to be the same in a cancer battle.

I appreciate very much all of your thoughts and prayers. You must believe otherwise you simply will not win. If you believe, then you will at the very least give yourself a better chance to win. All I'm asking for is a chance . . .

I believe.

Reading in the car can be a challenge.
(Kat's been doing most of the driving lately)

 

Back on track

This is my 4th month on the hormone-based cancer treatment Firmagon, and so far, so good. My PSA level has been steady around 1.0 for the 3rd straight month, which is good news for me.

March has been a great month so far. Our March break holiday week with the kids and great friends at the cottage in Prince Edward County was fantastic. How lucky we are to have such awesome friends! I'm enjoying every minute that I spend with family and friends, and I've learned how to counter some of the negative side effects of the many drugs that I'm currently on. For example, one of the problems I've had is the fact that I always wake up in the morning sad and depressed. It's difficult to wake up in the morning and get going and feel motivated. Mind you, once I get going it's fine but it's a matter of getting myself to that point that is the hard part. So, to counter this, I am starting to force myself to wake up and get outside right away first thing for a walk (and soon, hopefully bike ride as well) and so far it's worked.

Because of my recent mood swings, I saw a social worker at the Grand River Regional Cancer Centre who referred me to a psychiatrist. I was prescribed an anti-depressant, but based on my own research, side effects, and some recent conversations I've had, I'm holding off taking yet another drug and will try to get my spirits up in a more natural way. I'm seeing the psychiatrist again in two weeks and will discuss all of this further.

My back pain has been much better recently, but not sure if this is a result of new pain meds or the fact that the spinal compression fracture is actually slowly healing on it's own. It's been quite amazing to be rid of that extreme pain that was persistent for many months! I feel good!

I love spring, it's my favourite time of year. I'm looking forward to working on my backyard lawn once again, my annual thing. The big trees and lack of sunlight out back makes it quite the challenge! Each year I've been over-seeding but I may just break down this year and try sod.  I miss my good friend and next door neighbor Mel who passed away after his own cancer battle a couple of years ago. Mel used to regularly lean over the fence and jokingly give me a hard time about how much time I spend on that darn lawn!

Kathryn has decided to take a 6 month leave of absence from work starting in July which is great news. It will be nice to spend more time together and I know that she deserves this break from work as she's been going full throttle for many years now. Time to relax, chill out, and enjoy time with family and friends.

Every day I think about how lucky I am. I'm overwhelmed when I look around at the amazing friends and family I have who have been so good to me particularly since my diagnosis back in October. I'm doing my best to remain positive and fight rather than lie down, sometimes easier said than done. Recently I've immersed myself in watching and reading countless inspirational stories of Stage 4 cancer survivors who refused to give in. This is one that I particularly enjoyed by a new inspiration of mine, Stage 4 cancer survivor Beverlye Hyman Fead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HArX5_oL0g
 
I've been thinking about a return visit to Lesotho, Africa this September. Currently there is a group going through Bracelet of Hope in the first two weeks of September. If my cancer treatments continue to go well this spring and summer, and if my back pain continues to improve, then I will seriously consider going back. My previous trip there back in October 2014 was an incredibly rewarding experience.

So, many things to be happy and positive about. Thanks again to all my family and friends for your unbelievable support! Every day is a gift.

Spring is here !!!!

Leaving you with a quote from 4th Stage Cancer Survivor, artist, author, documentary filmmaker and my new inspiration, Beverlye Hyman Fead:

“When you are diagnosed, that's not the time to lie down, that's the time to stand up and fight”

from her video “Stage IV: Living with Cancer” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HArX5_oL0g

 Fun at Sandbanks Provincial Park - March break 2017