It’s OK

It was a week of pretty bad news, but it's OK . . .

My PSA levels continue to climb once again as has been the pattern, doubling every few weeks, and I am now officially out of the Triton2/Rucaparib clinical trial that I've been in since March at Hamilton's Juravinski Cancer Centre. It was effective for a few months but apparently has now run its course as my aggressive cancer has outsmarted it as it has managed to do with each cancer treatment we’ve thrown its way so far.

Unfortunately I’ve also been rejected from the new immunotherapy clinical trial which we had high hopes for and seemed to be my next viable option, but it's OK.

I've just completed five of five radiation treatments at the Grand River Cancer Centre to alleviate my recent leg/femur pain, which based on the latest scans are more active tumours, and as a result caused our cottage vacation last week to be cut short. The spots on my liver are now bigger and have become significant and a new area of concern. These latest scans proved to be all bad news.

But that's OK.

I woke up this morning, and I was happy. I look at my family, and I feel happy. I can't describe how proud I am of Kat and the kids, they have transformed me into a complete and happy human being. I have no complaints. I am a lucky man.

We are off to the cottage for our annual family cottage vacation this weekend and back on labour day.

The next step for me would then be a very important meeting with my clinical trial oncologist to find out what's next on Thursday, September 6. This will be a BIG day! By then, we hope that he and his oncology team will have a plan in place with new options that can help me. We hope that he has some more tricks up his sleeve. I have faith in Dr. H.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy every single minute of every single day. I can't wait for this weekend and to spend an entire two weeks with my family at the cottage out in Prince Edward County, not worrying and not thinking too much. It's going to be awesome. I wish you and your family a great summer and will be back with more news in September.

The inaugural flight of our latest Drone, the DJI Spark filming in Full HD video.
Pilot: Shayne Gal.

The roller coaster ride continues

I know it’s been a long time since my last blog update, and I apologize, but once again I suppose I’ve had enough negatives on this ride that kept me from the keyboard.

There have been many times in my life when I felt down and depressed, none of which can quite compare to how I've been feeling over the past few months. I think I can now better understand and relate to those suffering from depression or mental issues. Feeling useless and sleeping for most of the day is not fun. Trying to force yourself to get up and motivate yourself is hard and extremely frustrating.

On one hand, I should be happy and feel appreciative, and I do. After all, I've been accepted into this exclusive clinical trial at the Juravinski Cancer Centre which initially showed promise. On the other hand, it appears likely that this new experimental drug is just one more drug I am currently on which causes fatigue and depression as a side effect, and also has its limits and could very likely now be near the end of its course for me.

Most of the meds that I am currently on list fatigue as a side effect, and when all combined, results in my recent dilemma: depression - not being able to do much and wanting to sleep the day away. In recent weeks my doctor decided to try and reduce some of the drugs contributing to my fatigue. It seems to have worked and I'm feeling much better these days. I was able to avoid antidepressants (the other option) which I'm happy about. The last thing I want at this point is yet another drug, as I’m currently taking more than a dozen and require one of those pill boxes to help keep track of them all.

Our family had a fantastic trip out west for our annual “Canada Day Adventure”. Every Canada Day we visit a different part of our amazing and beautiful country. Last year we went east to Nova Scotia and previous to that, Alberta and Prince Edward Island. This year we started in Whistler, B.C. and explored beautiful Vancouver Island. We ended our 2 week trip in Victoria B. C. and then spectacular Vancouver. Beautiful, stunning - that's all I can say and we lucked out on the weather as well it was really nice.

I was feeling good the whole time except for a rough time on the plane ride to Vancouver and some issues upon arriving. Luckily that did not last very long and I felt really good throughout our trip. When we returned back home I was feeling good but now leg pain (same leg where I had my recent hip surgery) has once again taken over and put a wrench into my plans of having some fun and pain-free summer days.

Unfortunately last week we received more bad news. When I started the clinical trial a few months ago, my PSA came down from over 100 to 2.5 at one point, an amazing drop (1 through 4 is normal and acceptable). Unfortunately, it has steadily gone up in the past few weeks, once again doubling each few weeks which seems to be the pattern. In the past 18 months, we’ve seen this number drop and increase so many times that I’ve almost grown used to it. It's now on it's way back up again.

The roller coaster ride continues . . .

Last week I had more tests done (CT Scan, Bone Scan, etc) and it appears that there is in fact more cancer activity. I’ve been called in to urgently see my clinical trial oncologist this Thursday and at that time will know better my status and new options (ie: immunotherapy was mentioned) based on these results.

Back in November of 2016, my oncologist at the Grand River hospital in Kitchener gave me a prognosis of 18 months to live. She based it on the fact that the cancer had spread (metastasized) to my back and spine and at that time we did not know where the cancer originated. In fact, the oncologist believed it was Gastro-Intestinal (GI) which would have been a worse prognosis than that it actually turned out to be (prostate). Nevertheless, that 18-month guestimate has remained in my mind ever since she gave me that news, and I’m well aware that the 18-month point has just passed as of May, 2018. In my mind, I keep thinking now that every single day, every single moment that passes after May 2018 is bonus time for me, so I really need to enjoy each minute of each day. This is what I’m trying to do!

Despite the pain and discomfort, I am trying to wake up at a reasonable time each morning and make the most of each day. I have my mountain bike with e-Bike kit working once again, and am trying to ride my bike every day although that is not always possible. I also just set up all my musical audio recording equipment downstairs in our music/jam room, and am having great fun with this once again. Looking forward to having friends come over to do some recording, and also hoping to record the kids as well and their bands.

The kids are doing great. They are enjoying their various camps. Shayne is currently in a 2-week long sleepover camp doing fun things like kayaking, sailing, and swimming. Both kids got their junior black belts in June and we are so proud of them for that amazing achievement. Shayne finished in second place in the final run of the 4-month black belt program, finishing ahead of all contestants including the adults. Incredible! Anika was voted “Sealy Karate Student of the Year”, the youngest to ever achieve this award, and received a beautiful plaque in recognition of this amazing achievement. I can’t describe how surprised we were at the Black Belt Spectacular on June 8 when master Shihan Kevin Sealy called out her name, and described her as his “new hero” regardless of her age and talked about how young people can inspire us (not gonna lie, I cried my eyes out while giving her a standing ovation!). Congratulations Anika my beautiful amazing girl! What would I do without my family, they make me happy beyond words!

That’s all the news I have for now. As mentioned I have a very important appointment this Thursday with my oncologist at the Juravinski Cancer Centre in Hamilton, and at that time, will know more about the results of my Cat Scan, Bone Scan, and recent blood work, and hopefully find the culprit of this new leg pain I have been experiencing. In the meantime, I’m just trying to deal with whatever comes my way and hoping that things will once again turn upwards.

Dear family and friends, thanks again for all your kind words of hope and encouragement it means so much to me knowing that I have so may great friends who really care. Also I can't say enough about how much Kat has helped and supported me over the past 18 months. In addition to helping me and taking me to all my appointments, she even keeps track all of my meds and pill box!! Unfortunately she has had more chores to do here at home as I haven't been able to do everything that I used to do, but she has done an incredible job with the yard bringing dozens of bags of yard scraps to the dump all on her own and re-designing parts of it. The yard has never looked so good I must admit!!

I hope that you are all having a great summer and I will keep you posted on my latest medical news, as well as the new date for the music night which I hope will be in September or October at Manhattan's on Gordon Street in Guelph.

Happy Summer everyone!!

Top of Whistler Mountain about to take the Peak2Peak gondola to Blackcomb mountain.

 Anika proudly holding her award for "Sealy Karate Student of the Year".

 

Reasons for optimism

Over the past few weeks things have been going well and I’m finally starting to receive much needed good news on a consistent basis. I am now back into the clinical trial at the Juravinski Cancer Centre in Hamilton and continue my recovery from the unexpected hip surgery a few weeks back. My PSA continues to go down and is now at a respectable and unbelievable 4.8 (down from 70+ since I started this clinical trial). This is great news and it seems that this new medication is working by keeping the cancer under control (PSA of 1 to 4 is normal). The big question is how long will it continue to help me? That remains to be seen, and all we can do is remain positive and hope for the best.

The clinical trial is called TRITON2 and consists of the study of the new experimental drug Rucaparib, meant for patients with metastatic castration-resistant prostate cancer. Rucaparib belongs to a class of anti-cancer drugs know as PARP inhibitors and is taken in pill form daily. Research has shown that PARP inhibitors can cause cancer cells to stop growing. The goal of the study is to determine whether Rucaparib is a treatment option in patients with prostate cancer, and who have mutations in DNA repair genes such as BRCA or ATM. In order to qualify for this study, a number of tests were required and the genetic requirements had to match. Approximately 160 patients with metastatic castration-resistant prostate cancer will participate in this particular study at about 125 centers worldwide, and I happen to be one of those lucky ones. My oncologist at the Juravinski Cancer Centre is extremely optimistic about this drug and clinical trial, and based on our very early results so far, I am optimistic as well.

I'm still moving (walking) really slowly since surgery but the good news is that I've ditched both the standard and wheeled walkers that I depended on initially and am now back to the cane once again. Yesterday was the first day since my hip surgery that I ventured out on my own with a trip to the mall via cab. It was a great feeling just to get out. One of my goals now is to be able to get on that bike (it’s a standard Trek with a motor kit attached), but that may not happen as quickly as I would like it to.

I’m getting a lot of help from the CCAC/LHIN home community care group (http://healthcareathome.ca/). They have provided me with a doctor, nurses who visit my home several times per week, as well as a physiotherapist and social worker. They have been a great help for me and their services are much appreciated.

Having these mobility issues and depending so much on others has really opened my eyes and helped me to appreciate those basic things in life that we take for granted - like walking. I feel really bad for Kathryn sometimes as she has spent so much time and energy helping me and driving me around, not to mention all the additional chores around the house that she has taken on. We've also started to get the kids helping out with chores more so it's been a team effort.

I have to admit that I've been a bit down over the past few weeks. I’ve been really tired and am sleeping quite a bit and feeling lazy. I'm really looking forward to walking normally once again and perhaps being able to ride my bike and have my freedom back. Right now I've been spending way too much time at home and inside the house. Hopefully with the weather improving along with my recovery from surgery I’ll be able to get out more and enjoy that sunshine and blue sky.

I’m really enjoying my new Taylor acoustic guitar and looking forward to trying out Shayne’s (Dad’s???) new Spark DJI drone with HD video, which is currently still in the box. It looks like the nice weather is coming so we’ll soon be flying this new toy at a park nearby.

Also, I plan to reschedule that Manhattan’s music night which I was forced to postpone as a result of my hip surgery. As soon as I’m a bit more mobile we’ll set a new date.

Thanks once again for the visits, food deliveries, and your thoughts and prayers. As always, it's much appreciated! A recent box of cupcakes (Tracey!) disappeared quite quickly in our house! I blinked and it was gone!

Hip fracture setback

For the past several weeks my general mobility and pain levels deteriorated to the point where I had to be transported to Guelph General Hospital via ambulance. No longer able to walk, I required immediate surgery to correct a hip fracture, a break in the upper quarter of the femur (thigh bone) caused by my aggressive cancer. This hip pinning procedure required special screws to be placed down and through my leg to hold things in the correct position. Today I am currently recovering from surgery at Guelph General Hospital and undergoing daily physio/rehab to get back on my feet again.

Just days before I was placed into surgery to correct the hip fracture, I had started the new clinical trial at the Juravinski Cancer Centre in Hamilton. At this point as I recover from the hip surgery at Guelph General, the clinical trial has been put on hold but we have been assured that it will continue upon my recovery which will hopefully be some time over the next week or so.

I admit it's been a huge disappointment having to now deal with this hip issue and once again landing in hospital.

I continue to be hopeful that once I recover from my surgery that I'll be back on the clinical trial which has given me high hopes based on the information that the lead study oncologist has provided to us and overall success that the trial has had in cases like mine. Let's once again examine how lucky I am: so far I am the only candidate out of 10 selected and approved for this particular new trial study in this region. Yes, one of 10!

There are still many reasons to remain positive and hopeful despite these recent setbacks. Over the next few weeks I expect to fully recover from the hip surgery, get my mobility back and begin walking (and maybe even running) normally again, and get back on track with the clinical trial to take on this cancer.

On another note, it looks like we are going to have to postpone the Manhattan's Music Event which was scheduled for next Sunday, March 25 from 1pm - 5pm at Manhattan's Guelph 951 Gordon Street. Thanks very much for your patience and understanding!

I will keep you all posted on the new music event date once I'm out of the hospital and recovered.

Anika and I with our new Taylor guitars

Clinical trial and renewed hope

It’s been a rough 6 weeks since I began chemotherapy round #2 in mid November. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a terrible experience filled with extreme fatigue, poor mobility, leg and back pain, and stomach issues. It’s been impossible to plan anything because one day I’m feeling OK, but then the next I’m back in bed again unable to function. I’ve cancelled quite a few events and meetings, even missed my kids' hockey games - the worst example being missing the Toronto Maple Leafs vs New York Islanders hockey game on January 31 at the Air Canada Centre which Shayne and I were supposed to attend. I got the tickets at a Bracelet of Hope event silent auction, and after the intense bidding battle with a tough competitor that went right down to the wire, was so happy to get these tickets. We really looked forward so much to the game. It was heartbreaking that we missed it but the way I look at it now, it ended up being a donation to a great cause (http://www.braceletofhope.ca/).

I just watched Tom Brady of the New England Patriots miss his "Hail Mary" pass in the last seconds of the Super Bowl, and hoping that my new "Hail Mary" in the form of this clinical trial at the Juravinski Cancer Centre will have better results.

I’ve had some great news and we’ve begun the process of having me participate in this fresh new prostate cancer clinical trial at the Juravinski Cancer Centre in Hamilton. I may have to do one more chemo session but I’m inclined to decline this final session and just wait for the clinical trial to begin, which would be a few weeks away. In any case, it now appears that both chemotherapy rounds have not helped as my PSA continues to go up. I still need to have some tests done and get a few things confirmed and genetic details matched up, but at this point, I am hoping that sometime in March/April I will start the clinical trial, which the oncologist who is running it is extremely optimistic about and believes will give me up to a 70% chance of good results based on what we know so far. For the clinical trial, the drugs are in the form of pills and do not have the typical negative side effects that chemotherapy has. So, to be in the position of getting into this trial that has minimal side effects and has a great chance of helping me is fantastic news for me and another clear example of how incredibly lucky I am. I still need to pass through a couple of hurdles for it to become reality, but keeping my fingers crossed.

On another happy note, we now have a date confirmed for the Manhattan’s Music Party on Sunday, March 25 at Manhattan’s Pizza, Bistro, and Music Club in Guelph at 951 Gordon Street. It's going to be an afternoon open-mic/jam type event something like 1:00pm - 5:00pm (to be confirmed) and drop-in type thing. You can get great food and drinks there and sign up if you want to get up and sing or play. Instruments will be provided.

I will keep you posted with news on the event on Facebook as well as here on this web page:

http://www.twoinsix.com/

IMPORTANT: Please make sure you check this above link before coming in case I have to cancel last-minute, which is a possibility based on my health and what I’ve experienced in the last few weeks.

I apologize to everyone whom I’ve had to cancel on in the last few weeks (it's a long list) but I promise that I will make it up to you in the coming weeks as I start to feel better.

Thanks for the food deliveries, kind messages, thoughts and prayers - as always, much appreciated!

So for now, mark your calendars and hope to see you all at Manhattan's on Sunday March 25!

Chemotherapy: Round #2

We were at the cottage last weekend with the kids and I was playing the song “Country Down” by Beck on my acoustic guitar which happens to be one of my favourite songs of all time. I tried singing as well, but sadly singing has actually been one of my weaknesses and fears - something I’ve always been encouraged to do but reluctantly tried over the years since I really can’t sing very well. The kids were there playing in the background, and my daughter Anika told me in her encouraging way that it sounded “good”, and that this was a “good song for me, Daddy”. She went on to say that I should “not be afraid”, "practice it", “be confident”, and “get good advice”. I was surprised and amazed at the words coming out of this seven-year-old. I was proud. She inspired me to practice this song and play and sing it live one day - maybe even with my kids accompanying!? I’ve been practicing it every day since . . .

I’m in the process of starting to arrange the "Manhattan’s Music Event" (in Guelph), everybody welcome (kids too) - it will likely be sometime in February or March so stay tuned friends it is finally happening. I finally took the first step the other day - yes !!

I'm looking to book the whole place as a private party for the entire Sunday afternoon and early evening, likely a 2pm - 6pm time slot. We will have all the instruments there including drums, percussion, guitars, bass, ukuleles, violins, amps, mics, so you don't have to bring anything. I'll have multiple monitors and an overhead projector for chords and lyrics based on my newly finished eSongbook which contains more than 200 popular songs and classics. It's be an informal jam / karaoke /open mic kind of feel with anyone welcome to sign up and play. It will be like a holiday party "drop by when you can" thing. You don't have to stay for the entire afternoon, and if you want to play, you don't have to be a superstar and trust me everyone in the audience will be positive and encouraging. Our kids' band will play. They have great food there, awesome pizza! I might just play and sing the song “Country Down” that day and finally get over this singing fear with Anika as my primary inspiration (and possibly backup on keyboards!). It's going to be a great afternoon of good friends and music! Stay tuned for more information to come!

A few weeks back I was accepted into a new clinical trial with a prostate cancer specialist at the Juravinski Cancer Centre in Hamilton, Ontario, but unfortunately that same day once again received bad news - blood test results in which my PSA levels (cancer indicator) had again doubled. It continued to spiral up. As a result, it was recommended that I begin the second round of chemotherapy immediately as there was no time to wait until I got processed into this clinical trial. I’m still eligible to be part of it in the future, and in fact, it does look like I could get back into it after a few of my chemo sessions once my PSA is stabilized again. Yesterday for the first time in a few weeks I received the great news that it finally stayed stable, so that's the plan. For now, it’s more chemotherapy but this time with a different chemo drug (Cabazitaxel) which they hope will stabilize and slow this cancer down. I've also found out that my cancer is genetically linked to a specific gene and abnormality, which is good news and bad. It's good to know, but there is the slight possibility that my children will carry these as well, so the good part is that we will encourage early testing once they become 18 years old.

It's also been a bit overwhelming to hear of the many cancer stories from my relatives in Croatia particularly on my mother's side and specifically recently my cousins. My dear cousin Milica is currently going through a tough time as well with her own cancer fight and we are all thinking and praying for you dear Milica! Be strong my dearest cousin, you are one of the most amazing persons I know and a "rock" for your family particularly now after the tragic deaths in just the last few months of your dear brother Miljenko and mother. We are fighting this thing together, OK!?!

"Biti jaka draga Milica" . . .

I’ve been told countless times how “aggressive” my cancer is, so it’s been quite the challenge so far to say the least to keep it under control. My toughest opponent yet.

Yesterday I had just completed Session #2 of Chemotherapy: Round #2. It sounds like I’m referring to a heavyweight boxing match doesn’t it? Actually, in terms of sports analogies, I see this round more as the equivalent of the American football “Hail Mary pass” in which the quarterback goes for the long seemingly impossible throw into the end zone into a sea of opponent defensive coverage - a wall of impossibility - while praying for the best! Despite that, I have full confidence in my medical team and my "Spirit in the Sky", and I still have a lot of hope that somehow, some way, that seemingly impossible pass is going to get through and I’m going to be around for a few more years.

I have to be. I need to be.

So far things are going fine. I was told that the chemo treatment that I am currently on is more tolerable than the last one with lesser side effects (which so far is true), and also, my medical team have given me more support and medication such as additional meds for nausea, blood pressure, and injections for the five days after chemo which helps me with the low white blood cell count (which I had serious issues with during chemo Round #1). All in all, I feel better this time around except for a few days last week (where I couldn't even get out of bed) - so things are going well as can be expected so far. My biggest issue right now is mobility likely related to the steroid meds. I’m no longer in extreme pain (not gonna lie - the newest morphine-based pain meds are great and work like a charm!), but just having trouble walking and getting up stairs - going at about 1/3 speed these days. It’s a bit annoying but worse things can happen and I’m dealing with it as best I can.

I've had some great support from the Canadian Government CCAC/LHIN program and have a nurse, physiotherapist, and social worker visit us to help out on a regular basis - all free of charge and covered - yes our medical system has it's good points. I'm doing exercises every day based on my physiotherapist’s recommendations, and Kat and I are also looking into the possibility of starting either Yoga or Tai Chi. I'm told this would be a good thing for me to try.

I continue to work on several mostly private projects including the two books (a memoir mainly for the kids, and work of fiction), and a short 30-minute personal family video (mostly visuals - something that could be played at, say, . . . someone's memorial service?) that spans seven decades in six 5-minute segments going back to my parents’ childhood. I'm in the process of starting my own podcast, inspired by the doc film and related podcast "Sick Boy" (http://sickboypodcast.com/) and an event I recently attended here in Guelph called the “Death Cafe” (https://www.facebook.com/events/1707979059496301/) in which people are encouraged and welcome to discuss things which our society seem to shy away from.

I started a new website that will host the new podcast and the idea is to create a monthly podcast, have a new guest each month that is somehow connected with our theme, and release it together with my blog post to family and friends only. I'm doing this to further help me deal with my situation and possibly help others. I'm not interested in going viral with either the podcast or books, but rather, this is meant to be private to family and friends that I share my blog with. I'd appreciate keeping both the blog and website for podcast and books private - thanks!

There is an amazing calm that has recently come over me which is hard to explain. It's my “Spirit in the Sky”. It seems that each time I get bad news and possibly feel like I may be even closer to the end of my life, I become more calm and confident. It’s quite an amazing phenomenon and a very spiritual thing for me. It's real. I’m feeling really good these days and very positive. The song “Spirit in the Sky” by Norman Greenbaum from way back in 1969 (featured in the first "Guardians of the Galaxy" film) has become somewhat of an anthem for me these days. I love that song. Right now it's my inspiration.

It’s going to be a really special Christmas this year - I can feel it. We are all looking forward to seeing and spending time with our amazing family and friends just as we did this past Thanksgiving.

Wishing all my family and friends a great Christmas and holiday season and I know that we will be seeing many of you real soon.

Looking forward to 2018 with hope and optimism, and can’t wait to have all my friends together for the "Manhattan’s Music Event" in February or March 2018!!!! I will keep everyone posted on all the exact details once I finalize them shortly. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my family and friends!!

Praying for dear Milica - be Strong!
One of the strongest and most amazing
women I know - it runs in the family!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

"When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best
When I lay me down to die
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky"

"Spirit in the Sky"
Norman Greenbaum (1969)

The pros and cons of Plan B

One of my famous sayings is “always have a Plan B”. In fact, a little while back, my young daughter Anika quoted me and actually used the phrase.

A few years ago I entered a contest for a local documentary film festival which gave a prize to first-time filmmakers for a 10-minute short film. I created one about my fellow musicians that regularly play at this amazing weekly Sunday night open mic at the Supermarket Restaurant in Kensington Market, Toronto. I pocketed the $500 first prize for the documentary short contest, not bad!

During the individual participant interviews, one of the singers told me the story of how her father bought her a new condo a few years ago, but then she went on to sell it to finance her musical career. At the point that we met, she explained that the money was almost all spent on recording a professional CD and hiring top-notch musicians for performing local shows, so I was curious to ask her about what’s next. I asked her about her “Plan B” - just in case this music thing didn’t work out.

“There is no Plan B”, she confidently and defiantly replied. I was really surprised. I wanted to give her my opinion on it, but since I was the interviewer, decided not to bother. This was, after all, about her.

I suppose some people feel that if you are confident in trying to achieve a goal, if you admit that you have a “Plan B”, this might appear to diminish your efforts or even set you up for defeat or jinx it.

Last week I got more bad news. My PSA levels (the cancer indicator for prostate cancer) have spiked up now twice in a row. My back pain continues to get worse and in fact I’ve had pain shooting down the side of my thighs and down my leg to my feet. I’m getting a lot of numbness in my legs and feet. I fell down the other day crossing the street in Toronto, and my good buddy Brian literally picked me up off the ground in the middle of Yonge Street. I’ve had trouble walking over the past couple of weeks and my legs feel weak and like jelly (when Anika heard me mention this she came over and touched my leg) . As a result, my oncologist Dr. B has given me a new set of pain killers which work really well so the good news is that pain has been relieved for now.

I had another Bone Scan last week, and will get another Cat Scan done this Friday as they try to figure out what is going on and next steps.

Dr B has mentioned the possibility of more chemotherapy, but this time it could be even more intense and for a longer period of time. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm up for it. I need to do more research this time and try to nail them down on the expected benefits, and weigh that out against all the side effects. It appears at this point that the chemotherapy that I have just gone through and completed in August has not produced the desired results. They will be keeping a close eye on my PSA levels in the coming weeks.

I have an appointment next week in Hamilton at the Juravinski Cancer Centre for a consultation with a doctor performing a clinical trial that perhaps could help me. We will now will wait for all the results of my most recent scans and then hear the recommendations of my oncologists (Dr B in Guelph and Dr M at Grand River Regional Cancer Centre), as well as hope for perhaps participating in this new clinical trial in Hamilton.

Twelve months ago I was given eighteen months to live. This is reality, and based largely on the fact that this disease is extremely aggressive having made its way all the way up to behind my eye and along the way, spread extensively throughout my bones, spine and back. We were hoping that the ongoing hormone-based treatments along with the chemotherapy that I just completed this spring and summer would be able to hold off the cancer for longer. I was explicitly told that there is no cure for what I have. It is treatable but not curable. This is reality. As Dr M at the Grand River Regional Cancer Centre told me a few months ago, “the evidence is compelling”.

This is why I am currently working on my Plan B. I have to. I need to. It does not mean that I have given up hope. Anyone who knows me can vouch for that. I’m a fighter, not a quitter - but, I still need to work on my Plan B.

Plan B consists of speaking to my children about cancer, about my situation, admitting to them that right now things are not going well. They know that some people die of cancer. Some are lucky and live, but some die. Our good friends (same ages as both our kids) lost their father to brain cancer. They know that this can happen. It’s reality.

Plan B consists of planning things out at home, making sure everyone knows what to do in the areas that I was the expert, and of course managing and taking care of things financially for the future.

Having my Plan B is important, it’s essential. Working on my Plan B also allows me to really think about and appreciate the reality of my situation, which in turns has a positive effect. Having my Plan B does not equate to giving up or giving in. Each day that I think I may be closer to the end makes me appreciate that day even more. In some ways, it feels almost exponential. Every day, every minute, every breath, is a gift.

I happened to hear the song “The Drugs Don't Work” on the radio today by The Verve, from one of my favourite albums of all time “Urban Hymns” back in the late 1990's. A line in the song goes “Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse”. As I’m about to turn in for the evening, I’m now listening to a great new band that I discovered over the past year called Folly and the Hunter, and one of my favourite songs called “Small Victories”. Here is a better line to leave with:

“How can I see what it all means to me
as I walk into the unknown?
All that I need are these Small Victories”

So many of you have prayed for me, thought about me, and told me me that without a doubt you know I will get better and beat this disease. I appreciate all your prayers, thoughts, kind words, and amazingly positive vibes that you are sending my way. I feel it every day. You’re all going to help me do this - one Small Victory at a time.

I have no doubt that after these past few weeks of bad news, that I am now due for some good news. Yes, it's going to happen, starting real soon. I will keep you all posted on my upcoming good news in the next few weeks!

In the meantime, enjoy LIFE my dear family and friends !!

Kat took this photo this morning at our local coffee shop, and sent it to me with the caption
"Breakfast with Ed". These are the drugs I need to take with food/breakfast.